


Vonvon Month 2020

by WriterWithTheDragonRing



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Artsycooky13
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:42:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25080316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriterWithTheDragonRing/pseuds/WriterWithTheDragonRing
Summary: A collection of tales for Artsycooky13's Vonvon Month 2020.
Kudos: 4





	1. Vonvon's Canadian Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> Vonvon is an OC by Tumblr's Artsycooky13. Check out their blog and strange collection of tales.

## 1\. Vonvon's Canadian Adventure

It was a typical Canadian day; the sun was shining, the sweet scent of maple syrup wafted on the gentle breeze, geese were out terrorizing children, and Vonvon, the adorable child of a sword-swinging human and a gem-human hybrid with issues, casually moonwalked onto the scene, passing two locals trapped in an endless cycle of being fake-nice to one another. But it wasn't a regular Canadian day, but Canada Day, their version of America's 4th of July, but three days earlier. 

But this story isn't about Canada Day. 

The child had travelled far from their native land in search of knowledge, wisdom thought lost to the ages. It was in Stanley Park, the large woodland park on the northwest corner of the city, at the old polar bear enclosure, they met the mysterious recurring raccoons, a troupe of raccoons that inexplicably appear throughout time and space, inconveniencing innocent bystanders, protagonists, and villains alike. 

As the child locked eyes with a shifty woodland critter, they bravely, or foolishly, approached, ignoring the prominently displayed signs warning not to approach the wildlife. 

"You know who I'm looking for." Vonvon said to the raccoon. "And you _will_ tell me." 

The raccoon chittered and squeaked, which was quite understandable, since it was a raccoon. Despite what people may think, woodland critters do not speak, not even squirrels. Of course, there are those delusional individuals who believe animals can talk, and there are a few animals who are convinced that they can speak. But the truth is that communication is more about conveying a message to reach a mutual understanding of intent. 

But since doing that through nonverbal means sounds absurdly difficult, animals in most stories speak english, including this one. 

"The creature lurks in the woods, it is near." 

The raccoon produced a single bone from its fluffy, striped tail. It was sharp on one end, shaped similarly to a finger, but it wasn't a bone from a normal creature. 

Then Vonvon sensed something, a presence they have not felt since...

As the child scanned the trees surrounding the old abandoned, old abandoned polar bear habitat, they spotted it: the toothy grin of a sock puppet with silly googly eyes and tentacles of bone sprouting out from the open end of the sock. As soon as it had appeared, the cryptid retreated into the woods, or rather in the direction of the aquarium on the other side of the treeline. 

Vonvon didn't give chase, knowing that the mysterious SCP C0-0KY existed was enough. Happy and contented, they returned to their Delmarva home to await the next strange adventure.


	2. Obligatory NSFW Story

## 2\. Obligatory NSFW Story

It was just another day in Beach City, and Bagel was settling down on the couch. The summer heat was excruciating, so she had several fans brought into the livingroom so she could watch TV in relative comfort. It was so hot, in fact, Bagel could swear that grandma's painting of the odd purple girl was sweating too. 

Then the doorbell rang. 

Fanning herself with a magazine, Bagel scampered over to answer the door. Standing on the doormat was her friend, Vonvon, wearing the iconic pizza slice-adorned apron of Fish Stew Pizza, carrying a very hot cardboard pizza box, with a hot and fresh pizza inside.

"One pepperoni pizza for Bagel!" Vonvon announced, tossing their friend the box. 

"Wuh wuh wuh."

"No thanks, I have a few more deliveries to make. See you Tuesday!" 

One may be forgiven to wonder how exactly is this story Not Safe For Work, as the term usually implies that the content is rather contentious. In order to answer this, one must consider the method of how pizza delivery employees deliver pizza. So let us turn our attention back to the child.

As Vonvon struggled to peek over the dashboard of the pizza car, they thought aloud about how Jenny said to use the pizza-themed car to make deliveries, but never paused to consider if they actually knew how to drive. 

They did not.


	3. Tragic Aftermath

## 3\. Tragic Aftermath

Pale ashes gently rained upon the sleepy city. The glow of dying embers illuminated the summer night, accompanied by the flashing lights of a fire engine. Astonished onlookers watched as the smoking husk of Fish Stew Pizza crumbled away whilst a pair of uniformed firemen dealt with persistent flares. 

Sitting on the boardwalk, wrapped in blankets, were Jenny and Kiki Pizza, with soot in their hair. 

"Everything's gone." Kiki lamented, shocked by the sudden loss of her family's restaurant. "The pizza oven, Daddy's first dollar bill, Bixbite's crab statue." 

"Actually, I saved the statue." Jenny said, revealing a cycloptic crab statue under her blanket. "It was either this or the dollar." 

"It's what Gunga would've done." 

Off to the side, little Vonvon was giving a statement to a police officer. The tiny child was slightly singed, the Fish Stew Pizza apron they wore over their hoodie was mostly destroyed, and they smelled of burnt cheese and tomato sauce. 

"How was I supposed to know inflammable meant flammable?!"


	4. Vonvon Meets Another Weird Creature

## 4\. Vonvon Meets Another Weird Creature

Deep in the evergreen forests of Oregon, somewhere in a strange valley, there is the little town of Gravity Falls. One does not go to Gravity Falls unless they need to be there, or they end up there. What exactly determines whether or not you need to be here is a mystery, one of the many mysteries of this strange town.

Vonvon stepped off the bus, carrying a large bag full of everything they need. The wind that blew through the trees sounded like distant whispers, and the scent of pine and honey wafted in the breeze. 

Their parent's old map led them to an even older tourist trap: The Mystery Shack. It was a dilapidated old building, abandoned long ago by ill-fated owners. The locals would only talk of it in hushed whispers, telling of strange occurences, mysterious disappearances, and tragedy. 

As the child approached the door, it slowly creaked open, revealing the darkness awaiting within. The air was cold, frigid even. The walls were adorned with broken picture frames, strange taxidermy, and peeling paint. 

"Hello?" Vonvon called in vain, a tingling sensation shivering up their spine. "Is anyone here? Preferably alive?" 

Shadows shift, skittering across the floor. The formless shadow rose up behind a counter, its glimmering green eyes had an unearthly glow. 

"That's it!" The child yelled, pulling a spear out of the bag. 

"Woah, woah, little dude!" Cried the shadow, raising its thick arms. 

The light switched on, revealing the mundane features of a gift shop, and a one-eyed man with a suit and fez. 

"What are you? Some sort of gopher guy?" Vonvon inquired, spear fixed on the man. 

"I'm not a gopher, but I do get that a lot, I'm a man! A manager! Manager man!" Said the man, removing his eye patch and revealing a perfectly intact eye. "Soos!" 

As it turns out, most tourists like the faux-haunted house schtick. While Melody, Soos' wife, set the scene, he would appear and show off The Mystery Shack's collection of "strange creatures". 

While Melody sat at the counter, quietly working, Soos took Vonvon on the "VIP tour", which consisted of the usual tour, but free-of-charge.

"Mr. Pines wanted to give people a sense of wonder, make them think of things they didn't even know." He said as he directed the child's attention to a prominently displayed statue of an old man. "Like creatures that may or may not exist. Like Bigfoot, SCP-C0-0KY, or the Queen of England." 

Off to the side was a section of the shack covered by a curtain and a sign reading, "Do Not Enter Dudes", which was enough to catch Vonvon's attention. 

"What's with the curtain?" 

"That's a very special part I've been working on." Soos said, "It's not ready yet, but since you're a VIP..." 

Behind the curtain was a collection of pictures and artifacts. Above was a large sign with the words, "Mystery Twins" written in big gold letters. Many of the pictures were of two sets of twins, two young boys, and a boy and a girl. There were pictures of an old swing set and two old men on a sailboat. Among the newer pictures, the boy and girl stood in front of the Mystery Shack with Soos, a teenage girl, and the two old men. There were a few of these taken through the years. In a display case were three leather-bound books, each adorned with a golden, six-fingered hand, labeled "1", "2", and "3". 

"Who are they?" The child asked, pointing at the boy and girl. 

Soos paused for a moment, reminiscing. 

"They're my buddies," he replied. "Dipper and Mabel." 

There was something else in this collection. Something hidden beneath a tarp. A box-shaped object. There was an overwhelming urge in the child, a curiosity not their own, to reach out to the object, to grasp it. 

But as they did so, their little hand was stopped by the glass the artifact was encased in. 

"Careful, dude." Soos said. "Don't want you getting hurt, Mr. Pines used to have people sign liability contracts that covered this sort of thing." 

"What is that?" Vonvon asked. "I mean what's under the tarp, not the contract thing." 

Soos dramatically removed the sheet, revealing a glass case, inside of which was a statue of a triangular thing with spindly arms and legs, a large singular eye, and a top hat. 

"This is Bill Cipher." Soos said, "A dream demon from another dimension that nearly destroyed reality." 

Vonvon didn't believe him. 

"Seriously?"


	5. Vonvon Bakes

## 5\. Vonvon Bakes

It was time for Beach City's annual Beach Bake-Off. A number of tents, stalls, and impromptu kitchens were set up on the beach and a massive crowd gathered on the boardwalk, attracted by the alluring scent of bread and other baked goods. 

Mayor Fryman would always start the festivities with an awkward speech, then introduce the judges. This year it was Mr. Smiley, the manager of several businesses in the city; Bill Dewey, manager of the Big Donut; and this year's celebrity guest judge, Sadie Miller, director of the recent hit horror sci-fi, Night of the Undead Alien Teen. 

The judges navigated their way through the sea of people, between the rows of kitchen stalls, sampling the baked goods found within. Traditional apple pies, tasteful crumbles, exotic puddings, and wonderfully whimsical pastries. There was even an entry by Spacetries: Their famous purple yam polvoron. 

Despite being under new management, the space-themed bakery continued to create delicious snacks and pastries. 

Then they came to "Cooky's Cookies." The stall, at first, seemed abandoned. But as soon as they approached it, a silly, googly-eyed sock puppet popped up from underneath the counter. 

"Hiya folks!" Said the sock puppet, speaking with an exaggerated and silly voice, almost like a Muppet. "Wanna try these 'cookies' of mine? Ignore the quotations."

"Quotations?" Sadie asked, visibly worried. 

"IGNORE THEM!" The puppet screamed before disappearing beneath the counter for but a moment, returning with a sizzling hot cookie sheet of freshly baked cookies. 

"Eat." 

The cookies seemed mundane enough, golden brown, studded with chocolate chips that were soft and semi-melted.

The judges nervously picked up a cookie, and were understandably surprised at how they generated an audible humming noise and pulsated slightly in their hands.

"What's in these?" Asked Mr. Smiley. 

"100% natural ingredients!" The sock puppet replied. "I collected it all myself!"

"Yes, but what's in it?" Dewey repeated. 

"Tasty Cooky things. EAT! Ignore the spelling."

One by one, the judges inched the suspect cookies to their open mouths. 

Suddenly, the loud boom of a nearby kitchen disaster caught the judges by surprise. As the cookies hit the soft sand, they shattered like panes of glass, even sounding like it. 

"No! My children!" Screamed the sock puppet. The judges took advantage of the suspect sock's emotional and dramatic moment and snuck away. 

Then they came to the stall of Vonvon. As they approached the stall, a strange smell caught their attention. It was sweet like honey, slightly smokey, and reminiscent of burnt cheese with green tea. Vonvon was standing in front of an exploded oven, covered in the fruity filling of their pie. 

"Hey guys!" They called, waving over to the judges. "Minor setback, the Everything Pie exploded." 

"Are you even old enough to use an oven?" Dewey inquired.

"No." 

"Okay then." 

Ignoring the fruity filling in their hair, Vonvon took the remaining ingredients and whatever survived the explosion and made a cobbler. 

"The Everything Cobbler!" Announced the child. "It has everything; apples, peaches, strawberries, blueberries, blackcurrant, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla ice cream, green tea, chocolate, and purple yam." 

"That's not exactly everything." Sadie joked. 

"I had pepperoni, meatballs, pizza sauce, pineapples, pinecones, crabs, sardines, lettuce, and mustard." Vonvon added. "But I used it all in the pie." 

Simultaneously, the judges privately acknowledged that they dodged a bullet. Twice.


	6. The Diamond Strikes Back

## 6\. The Diamond Strikes Back

Vonvon stood at the edge of the crystalline spire, overlooking the vast alien city below. Opposite of the child was a giant, pink woman. The diamond embedded in her abdomen identified her as one of the rulers of Homeworld: Pink Diamond. 

"Greg never told you what happened to the Crystal Gems." She said to the child, ominously reach out to them. 

"He told me enough." Vonvon replied, tucking their hand under their other arm for some reason. "He told me you shattered them, and their leader: Rose Quartz." 

"No child." Said Pink Diamond as she began to glow. As the brilliant light subsided, a slightly shorter but still taller than the average woman woman with curly pink hair stood in her place. " _I_ am Rose Quartz."

"Oh. Cool?" 

" _And_ your grandmother." 

"Wait, what?" 

"And your **father**!" Pink/Rose added, suddenly transforming into Steven Universe, but now wearing Pink Diamond's pink and somewhat frilly outfit. 

" _ **WHAT!?**_ " 

"It's a long story." Pink/Rose/Steven explained, "It was a whole thing. A lot of drama and pain, most of it self-inflicted." 

"I got time." Vonvon shrugged, considering the situation, what with the whole dangling from a spire with no hope of escape. 

Then, whilst Pink/Rose/Steven was in the middle of explaining his horrifically traumatic childhood, complete with a storyboard, a thought popped into Vonvon's little head. A glaring thought. A plot hole type of thought. 

"Wait, if you're my dad." They began before pointing behind Pink/Rose/Steven. "Who's that!?" 

Standing off to the side, not doing anything, was the glowing pink light construct of Steven Quartz Universe, but wearing a leather pilot's jacket. Upon seeing Pink/Rose/Steven, Light Steven waved. 

"Oh hey, I haven't seen him since I nearly died." 

Vonvon was so confused.


End file.
